188 Days to Go

Only six months left until Election Day! Are you as tired as I am of the malicious back-and-forth among the three Democratic presidential candidates? In case you’re wondering, I’m counting Bill Clinton as a de facto third candidate. (Now I just need someone to tell me what “de facto” means.)

Thankfully Republican contender John McCain has only the media to bicker with, since his Democratic opponents are doing such a good job of gnawing on each other’s jugular that he needn’t bother. I think we should go ahead and place McCain’s wax figure in Madame Toussant’s Museum of Failed President candidates. And by “wax figure,” I mean McCain himself. 

Fortunately for America, Independent candidate Ralph Nader and his running mate Matt Gonzalez are drawing about as much attention as Stephen Baldwin’s acting career. (How many of you knew that Nader even had a running mate?)

And believe it or not, actor Christopher Walken is running for president. That’s right… the creepiest thespian of his generation wants the keys to the nukes. He doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into it, though. And his campaign slogan of “Crazy for America” is ambiguous at best. I really don’t see Chris, who once played a man trying to assassinate a presidential candidate, getting much traction.

That leaves me—the only presidential candidate who hasn’t resorted to lies and mudslinging, and who remains truly free from corporate interests and influence… and, unfortunately, campaign funds.

Clearly I remain at a disadvantage here, having received very little media exposure except for an unaired interview with Tim Russert, and some local media coverage Saturday night when I had one too many Jell-O shots at a party and ran naked through Denny’s at 2 a.m. pretending to ride an invisible horse and shouting “The Chinese are coming! The Chinese are coming!” And my campaign war chest currently consists of $38 in loose change I found in my sofa cushions and loaned to my campaign.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continue to rake in millions in donations, while John McCain, bless his withered heart, has to rely on the millions that his hot younger wife made selling a few billion six-packs of Budweiser. But I think there are legal limits to how much money and blood transfusions a spouse can provide to her candidate husband.

And as for the superdelegate race, Barack Obama thus far has received the endorsement of the coolest superdelegates, with Spiderman, the Fantastic Four and Batman pledging support, while Hillary Clinton has Wonder Woman, Supergirl and (not surpisingly) Catwoman on her side. The only superdelegate I have so far is Ant-Man. I don’t mean to disrespect this C-list superhero, but Ant-Man’s rather lame power is that he can shrink himself to the size of an ant and control ants through his goofy-looking helmet. I mean, c’mon! Iron Man, could you please endorse me?

There are several things you ordinary folks can do to help out my campaign. If you’re super-wealthy, you could donate $200 million to me through offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands. Sure, it may violate campaign finance laws, but the Bush-Cheney administration has set the precedent that the end always justifies the means, right? Especially if the end never appears on the horizon.

As for my electability, I’m sure that once Americans attend my rallies, they will see that I am the right man for the job—although, for the record, I don’t take phone calls at 3 a.m. Average working folks will no doubt swoon at my charming but forceful personality, and white-collar wonky types will be impressed by my thorough understanding of the issues, not to mention the halo-like glow around my bald head. Now that Hillary Clinton and her hacks have maliciously scrubbed the saintly veneer of purity off Barack Obama, I can be your new tabula rasa, the blank slate onto which you can project your fantasies of a hero bringing a new, hopeful day. In return, I’ll project my sexual fantasies upon the attractive females among you.

So please, with a mere six months to go, I need you to help my campaign in any way you can. Send any size donation—as long as it’s at least $500. Organize Angry Bald Man rallies in your communities; go door-to-door spreading my message; pretend to be Jehovah’s Witnesses selling the Watchtower. I don’t care. Just do something to help me reclaim our country. We still have a chance. To paraphrase Yogi Berra, it’s not over till somebody drives a stake through Hillary Clinton’s heart.

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