More Surprises from Bin Laden’s Compound

The White House today released more information about the items found in Osama bin Laden’s secret Pakistani compound. In addition to laptops, paper files and other potentially valuable intelligence information, Navy SEALs found an “extensive collection” of pornographic films with titles such as “Girls Gone Jihadi,” “The Devil in Miss Johara,” “Deep Halaq” and “Mufi’ah Does the Mujahadeen.”

A spokesman for Pakistan’s Ministry of Defense said, “I am surprised that Osama bin Laden would watch such filth. I would have expected him to stroke his camel to more sophisticated erotic fare such as ‘Behind the Burka.’ Not that I’ve seen it myself. I’ve just heard things.”

The Pakistani military found a large crop of marijuana plants outside the compound, which authorities say bin Laden may have been using to treat severe pain caused by kidney disease. Dozens of empty Hostess Ho Hos wrappers were found next to the plants.

Bin Laden apparently had a secret fondness for American culture. Also found in his compound were several Bing Crosby CDs, cases of Coca-Cola and Pepsi, a DVD of the movie “Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke,” and several issues of Martha Stewart Living. The White House released a copy of an email to Martha Stewart that bin Laden was in the process of completing when Navy SEALs burst in and shot him dead. Below is the email in its entirety:

Dear Martha,

I am a humble man living in a modest abode on a tight budget. I am unable to go out much because of health reasons—namely, I am allergic to bullets. Just kidding! LOL.

But seriously, my confines are getting on my nerves and I was wondering if you could advise me on how to spruce up the place a bit. I can’t afford much renovation, as the bulk of my funds are being used to destroy the West. Ha! I kid you again.

Before you advise me, you should know that my least favorite colors are red, white and blue, so let us stay with more muted colors that go well with sand, khaki and cannabis plants. I’m thinking earth tones. Also, which paint finish is easier to get bloodstains off of—eggshell or semi-gloss?

I would be eternally in your debt if you could send me detailed instructions on how to make my own camelhair sofa, and how to make cute knick-knacks out of empty Coke cans and Milk Dud boxes. Also, is it possible to make explosive cookies out of C-4 without them blowing up in the oven? I ask this last question only out of idle curiosity. I have a lot of free time on my hands.

One last thing: How do you get the smell of Markhor urine out of a burka?

Bless you and Death to Americaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

“This tells us a lot about bin Laden the man,” said one senior official who requested anonymity. “He was much more metrosexual than we thought.”

On a related note, troubled actor Charlie Sheen has reportedly offered to buy the bin Laden compound from the Pakistani government. “If it comes with porn and pot, I’m all over it,” said Sheen. “By the way—where is Pakistan?"

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