Special Software Review - Captain Many Pieces Ship
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Windows Vista Voice Recognition Doesn’t Recognize Much

When I scheduled my shoulder surgery, I was told that my right arm would be immobilized for several weeks. I began to fret over how well I could do things with just my left hand, such as feeding myself, picking my nose, and playing with my, uh, cats. Also, how could I keep writing my literary mini-masterpieces with just one hand, since I type badly enough with two?

I did some research on voice recognition software for dictation, and learned that Windows Vista has such software built right in. I normally use an iMac at home, but I also have a Dell laptop that I bought right when Microsoft inflicted Windows Vista upon the world, and no one yet knew just how badly that OS sucked. I will eternally regret not ordering the laptop with Windows XP instead of Microsoft’s latest leap backwards. I rarely use it because it takes about 10 minutes to do the simplest thing—like boot up.

Since I already owned the Dell, all I had to do was invest in a decent microphone headset to use the voice recognition software, so I did. I ordered a Plantronics model from Amazon for $30, and was all set to go.

I have to say, the results were mixed. I wrote most of “The ABM’s Hospital Adventure” using the software. I was impressed that the software could recognize such words as “acromium” and “orthopedist” with no problem. I quickly grew frustrated, however, when it totally missed simpler words and phrases, and would frequently misunderstand my punctuation commands. In the software’s defense, I will admit to possibly being a bit mush-mouthed thanks to the Percocet I’ve been taking for pain.

I'd give a voice command to insert a quotation mark, and instead it would write out things like “quick Asian mark” or “corporation mark.”

For example, while I intended to dictate this,

“Shee-it!” she said. “I hope I don’t run into one of them guys coming from the ER. They think they own the place. They say it’s my fault again.”

I ended up with this:

Corporation mark she yet! She said. A bull run into them guys coming from the ER to think they own the place. They say it’s my fault again. In a quote

In fairness, I couldn’t expect it to recognize eye dialect like “shee-it,” but my frustration was quickly mounting. If I wanted gibberish, I could type it myself. The error rate was extremely high.

Later, I dictated this,

I felt like I’d just stuck a handful of sawdust in my pie hole. I managed to wash it down with the water, which tasted more refreshing than anything had ever tasted before.

but got this,

Of elected to stuck a handful of sawdust in my pie hole. I managed to wash it down with the water, which tasted more refreshing than anything had ever tasted four.

Finally, I did what any mature adult would do and yelled at the software, which transcribed “You goddam piece of shit!” as “Captain many pieces ship.”

Apparently, Microsoft Word’s built-in dictionary does not include profanity. I amused myself for a while by dictating obsenities to it, to which it responded with “Mother Fokker,” “some of the bench,” “U.S. whole,” “cox soccer,” “UPC ship” and “Faulk.”

Then I went back to typing with my left hand.

If you’re more patient than I am, you might have better luck with Vista’s voice recognition software. If nothing else, it can teach you to cuss more creatively.

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