How to Become an Elitist

On Tuesday, two important events will occur in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination: 100-year-old actress (and sole friend of Michael Jackson) Elizabeth Taylor will announce that Barack Obama is a “flibbertigibbet,” sending thousands of voters scrambling to their dictionaries to see just what the hell that word means, and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright will announce that the only reason he isn’t running for president is because the same Jewish-Freemason-Vulcan conspiracy that brought down the World Trade Center is working against him. Oh, and Indiana and North Carolina will hold their primaries.

Tuesday’s primaries are vitally important to both Democratic contenders. If Hillary Clinton wins Indiana and does fairly well in North Carolina, she’ll claim that victory in Indiana proves that she is the most electable candidate, despite being reviled by all sentient beings under 50 with college degrees; if Barack Obama wins both states, Clinton will continue her campaign until voters, driven insane by the length and nastiness of this contest, try to prove to Clinton and themselves that she is a mere mortal by burning her at the stake. Clinton will then rise from her own ashes and say “See? I told you I was tough!” And then the Apocalypse will begin.

As for me, I’m still scrounging for campaign funds. Last week I bought one of those robocallers, recorded a message on it and set it to making automated phone calls to people all over America. But a friend informed me that my fundraising message, which said that if people didn’t contribute to my campaign and vote for me then the terrorists would not only win but would fornicate with their spouses and/or pets, was not the best way to attract supporters. I suppose she’s right. Such Rove-ian tactics seem only to work for Republicans.

And speaking of the devil, I suddenly recalled that Satan—that is, Karl Rove—had devised a fundraising scheme for George W. Bush’s two presidential campaigns that used cutesy titles to get rich folks to fork over their hard-earned inheritances. Bush Pioneers were those who gave $100,000 for Bush’s campaign. Then Karl added two new levels: Bush Rangers and Super Rangers were people who raised $200,000+ and $300,000+, respectively. And weirdly, a fourth level for those under 40 who raised $50,000 or more was added. They were called Bush Mavericks, probably because Bush Wussies sounded too impolite. How Rove found that many wealthy morons is beyond me. But I hope to do the same.

Here are the donation categories I’ve come up with:

• Elitist – Collect and donate $100,000 or more to my campaign and become an Elitist! Yes, I’ve taken the Clinton campaign’s latest phony buzzword and used it in its most positive sense. Wouldn’t you like to be among the elite? The Navy Seals are considered an elite team comprised of the Navy’s best. If you were having brain surgery, would you want an elite surgeon, or a sub-par guy with a mail order degree from the University of Granada? Think about it—if you can. (I apologize if you actually need brain surgery.)
• Patrician – Collect between $50,000 and $100,000 for me, and be a Patrician. You’re still quite a class act, and if you try a little harder, you can still join the Elite.
• Plebian – Collect between $10,000 and $50,000, and be a Plebian. Hey, the world needs average people so that the elite will have a yardstick against which to measure themselves. Some people made “C’s” all the way through school and are still worthwhile human beings. I didn’t, but I won’t hold that against you. And there’s still a way to better yourself—raise more money.
• Hillbilly – Raise between $1,000 and $10,000 and be a Hillbilly. There’s no shame in that. This country needs Hillbillies to play banjoes and amuse us by playing off the antics of Paris Hilton and whoever her best friend is on that particular day.
• Dalit – Donating between $1 and $1,000 will make you a dalit—a member of India’s “untouchable” class. Oh, c’mon… you can do better than this. You will be dead to me—but I’ll still take your money.

My goal is to raise $20 million this month. Let’s do this thing! I have faith in you. And I know you have faith in me, or else you’d be visiting a better Web site.

Home