Elvis and Me

My fellow Americans, your wait is finally over. (Well, after a couple more sentences.) Today I am making the most important announcement since I declared my candidacy to become the president of these United States. After a lot of deliberation and heavy drinking, I have at last chosen my vice presidential running mate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Elvis Presley—or more precisely, a photo of Elvis Presley.

I know you must be dying to know why I chose a picture of a legendary dead celebrity to be my running mate instead of a living person. The short answer is simple: George Clooney and Angelina Jolie put restraining orders on me, everyone else I asked said no. The long answer is more complex. I wanted a running mate who shared my personal philosophy of self-destructive hedonism, who wouldn’t argue with me over policy issues, and who would fit nicely into a carry-on bag.

But why a picture of Elvis, you ask. Why not Abraham Lincoln? John F. Kennedy? Marilyn Monroe?

Putting aside his bad taste in white jumpsuits and his embarrassing death on a toilet, Elvis embodies both the mythic promise and harsh reality of America: Consider his rise from abject poverty to unimaginable wealth; his original talent, great sex appeal and worldwide fame; his fondness for mind-altering substances; and his final, fatal descent into gross excess. Elvis is America.

I see several advantages to having a photo of a dead person as vice president. There’s no chance that Elvis will die in office since he got that over with in 1977. He’s unlikely to say anything to embarrass me, unless some psychic medium summons him up from the Great Beyond while he’s all coked up and munching on a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. My running mate will be the young, lean, sexy Elvis, not the bloated, drug-addled Elvis, so there’s aesthetic appeal involved. McCain and Obama are unlikely to find anyone more attractive, or who made so many lame-ass movies.

I’m prepared to endure the firestorm of controversy that is sure to follow. If critics charge that Elvis is too old to be my running mate because he was born 73 years ago, I’ll point out that he died when he was only 42 and it’s only his picture that’s my running mate; if they say that the Constitution doesn’t allow for a picture to become vice president, I’ll counter that the Bush administration has pretty much declared the Constitution null and void; if they charge that he’s too inexperienced, I will say that he has experienced pretty much everything, including death; if they say that he’s too dead to be vice president, I will merely point to Dick Cheney, who is kept in an undead state by daily Voodoo rituals.

I know the biggest question on everyone’s mind is this: What happens if I die in office? How will a picture of Elvis run the country? That’s easy. Simply put the picture on a Bible, swear it in and place it gently on the Oval Office desk. Elvis’s picture is sure to follow the physician’s dictum, which in Latin is something like primo do no harmus, or “first, do no harm.”

Considering how much damage this country has endured during the past eight years, a do-nothing picture could be a vast improvement, don’t you think?

Ah, the Angry Bald Man and Elvis in 2008! I like the sound of it. Order your bumper sticker today!

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