Fake Plastic Face
Until last week, I didn’t know who Heidi Montag was. Sure, I’ve seen her name in entertainment news headlines, but I try not to read much about reality TV “celebrities” because doing so makes me nauseous. According to Wikipedia, Montag is “an American television personality and recording artist. Montag is known for appearing on the MTV reality series The Hills.”
A story on ABC’s Web site about Heidi’s recent plastic surgeries caught my eye. Heidi went under the knife and had 10 procedures performed on various parts her body at one time. She had breast implants, a brow lift, botox in her forehead, a nose job revision (which I take it means a do-over), fat injections in her cheeks, a chin reduction, neck liposuction and had her ears pinned back. Yikes! I hope she had her timing belt and water pump replaced while she was at it.
I feel sorry for Heidi. Just little bit. Someone who so drastically alters her perfectly normal appearance obviously is not happy with herself. On the other hand, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, shallow is as shallow does.
Heidi went from the perfectly fine-looking girl on the left to the plastic-faced creature with super-bodacious ta-tas on the right:
(Note to Heidi: Mr. Spock wants his eyebrows back.)
Heidi wants to be a pop music superstar, and just released her debut CD. From ABC’s story:
Montag's new album is ironically titled "Superficial." She said she's gone broke pouring her life savings into an independently produced music album, including hiring a producer who worked with Michael Jackson. She said she believes she has the same talent as the King of Pop.
Seriously? She may not have the same talent, but with a few more nose jobs, she may have the same face as the King of Weirdoes. I recommend viewing Access Hollywood’s video interview with Heidi, in which she can’t move her face. It’s tragic, really. And hilarious. In it, Heidi doesn’t come across as the brightest bimbo in Barbieland. I don’t want to say she’s stupid, but even Sarah Palin could probably beat her in a debate.
More from ABC:
It remains to be seen whether what Montag did to her body will help her get the success she's after.
"Why is everybody getting surgery?" she said. "You know, it goes back to the beginning of Hollywood. And I think one of the keys here is, honesty is very important. I could have easily swept this under the rug, never commented about it, never said anything about it. But that would be a lie."
Huh???
You know, I’ve never been happy with my nose, which is as big as a vulture’s beak. Also, my abs of steel are covered with a layer of fat that I can’t get rid of. And as I’ve gotten older, my butt has gotten smaller. Maybe I should have an inch or two taken off my nose and added to my tallywhacker. I could also have my gut-fat liposuctioned and injected into my butt cheeks. Then maybe I could become what I’ve always wanted to be—a midget-wrestling superstar.
On a totally unrelated topic, former Cosmo nudie boy Scott Brown put his foot all the way down his throat during his victory speech after winning the Massachusetts senate seat vacated by Ted Kennedy, who did America a great disservice by rudely dying before the debate on health care reform began. Flanked by his wife and two daughters, Brown announced that both girls were “available.” None of the Brown women looked too happy about this pronouncement.
If I had two beautiful young daughters, I wouldn’t be advertising their availability to every pervert in the country. I’d have my shotgun and castration knife at the ready. To add to the overall weirdness of Brown’s announcement, this photo of Creepy Dad and his bikini-clad daughters appeared on the Internet:
Insert your own incest joke here.
All I can say is, shame on you, Mr. Brown. And I’ll give you $500 for both girls.
