Fame

Sorry I haven’t been here in a while. I know you’ve missed me. I got busy about a month ago with an effort to set a new speed record for circumnavigating the globe in a homemade hot air balloon. I had to go to various Goodwill stores and buy about 500 old nylon Members Only jackets and sew them together to make my balloon, but it was worth it… almost.

My flight got off to a good start two weeks ago. The trouble is, I made an unnecessary detour over Alaska for the sole purpose of dropping wolf bait and rotten eggs on Sarah Palin’s house. Unfortunately, Sarah saw what I was up to and blasted several holes in my balloon with her AK-47, deflating not only my shiny Members Only gasbag but also my dreams of fame and fortune and a shot at my own reality TV show, which I was going to call “The Amazingly Stupid Adventures of the Angry Bald Man.” I’m certain it would’ve been a hit.

I suppose it’s just as well. By the time I reached Alaska I’d already realized that I hadn’t packed nearly enough beer and Ho Hos to make it around the world. Plus, I got stoned beforehand and forgot to tell the Guinness World Records people about my plan so they could monitor and document it. C’est la vie.

I might at least have made the local news had it not been that coincidentally, on that very same day, the media were busy covering the now-infamous “balloon boy” hoax. This stunt was perpetrated by a couple of losers named Richard and Mayumi Heene, acting school washouts who have twice appeared on a show called “Wife Swap,” which I’ve never seen because I don’t get the Hustler channel. Although none of their children were ever in real danger because of the balloon stunt, the Heenes did coach them to lie to the media and authorities about it. How despicable is that? It’s even worse than naming their son “Falcon,” which in itself should be sufficient cause to terminate their parental rights.

The Heenes’ ultimate goal was to get their own reality TV show. Maybe once they’re in jail they can achieve fame and fortune in a different way, such as by writing a book on how to raise your kids to be attention-starved pathological liars.

Like so many Americans, the Heenes want to be famous for the sake of being famous. We all want to be stars in someone’s universe, but most people seek adoration from their friends and loved ones, not the general public. Back in the day, non-entertainers achieved fame for a reason. For example, Albert Einstein became a household name because of his groundbreaking contributions to physics, not because he slept with a teenage supermodel. Mother Teresa—an odd candidate for fame if ever there was one—became known worldwide for her impressive humanitarian work, not for flashing her bare crotch at the paparazzi (thank God!).

These people actually did something of value to become famous, but fame was never their goal.

Now let's look at those who are famous for no apparent reason. Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie spring to mind, along with Kim Kardashian and Toby Keith. Not to mention 99.9 percent of American Idol contestants. None of these people have any discernible talent, yet they make headlines on a regular basis. (Except for Toby Keith. He just makes really bad music.) I suppose the drive to become famous is rooted in a need for love, admiration and personal power that one can’t attain from the usual sources, such as being the high school bully.

I’ll admit that I’d like to be famous, but only for my contributions to the fields of literature, science and/or comedy, of which I’ve made none. But I’m working on it.

My latest goal is to develop a glow-in-the-dark cat. Such an animal would serve not only as a cuddly companion to a child, but as a handy nightlight as well.

Now if I can only get my cat to eat this pound of firefly DNA… Does anyone have a video camera to record this historic and possibly hilarious moment?

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