To Wit: Who's the Funniest Candidate?

When George W. Bush exits the stage in January, the country will have lost its richest source ever of presidential humor—and national tragedy. What other president in American history has inspired volumes of books based solely on his mangling of the English language? Granted, much of Bush’s comedy has been entirely unintentional, but that’s beside the point. Once Bush retires to his fake ranch, we’ll no longer get to enjoy the spectacle of the leader of the Free World tap dancing for the press corps, giving backrubs to female heads of state, or yelling “Yo, (fill in nickname here),” to the British Prime Minister.

The sense of humor (of lack thereof) of the major presidential candidates has been getting some press lately. I think this is a valid topic for the media to blow out of proportion. I truly believe that John Kerry lost the 2004 election because of his lugubrious countenance, phony-looking smile and inability to reel off a good one-liner. Those factors, coupled with the fact that all those Diebold electronic voting machines were rigged, ensured that we’d have to endure the tragicomic stylings of Dubya for another four interminable years.

So, who’s the funniest presidential candidate? In all humility, I feel confident that I am, although John McCain is providing some stiff competition. (Pun intended.) McCain frequently jokes with the press corps, and in speeches to his supporters makes fun of his own advanced age. Make no mistake; the man does have a sense of humor… of sorts.

For example, McCain’s infamous rendition of “Bomb Iran” to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “Barbara Ann” drew gales of laughter from his audience. Really, who doesn’t find threatening other countries with annihilation to be funny?

While campaigning in 1992, McCain’s wife, Cindy McBudweiser, playfully twirled his hair and said, “You’re getting a little thin up here.” McCain retorted, “At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.” Hilarious! Who, besides all women, doesn’t enjoy a little maliciously misogynistic humor? McCain is like a 100-year-old Carlos Mencia… which is no compliment.

McCain recently had a problem with a microphone during a speech. After hearing some loud pops over the sound system, McCain quipped “This microphone is brought to you by the Democratic National Committee.” Good one, Mac.

Last week, while Barack Obama was making a speech to 200,000 adoring Germans, McCain was interviewed in a Pennsylvania grocery store standing in front of processed cheese. While this wasn’t intended to be funny, it was. 

Obama is different story. The man is brilliant, but he’s far more charming than funny. In that regard Obama is a lot like Bill Clinton, only blacker and apparently less horny. Clinton had an “aw, shucks” kind of wit, but nobody ever compiled a book of his utterings. Obama has made some witty and self-deprecating remarks, but nothing worth repeating. If he becomes president, expect esoteric jokes about the high price of caviar. Yawn.

The press recently made a small fuss over Obama’s response to cartoon adorning the cover of The New Yorker magazine that depicted Obama and wife Michelle as terrorists. It was a bit of unfunny satire, but Obama’s camp called it “tasteless and offensive,” and John McCain agreed (although I suspect McCain has a copy of it tucked into his suit jacket that he pulls out for private yucks). If Obama had responded to the cover with a witty riposte such as “My jihad is much bigger than that” rather than righteous indignation, he could’ve scored some points in the humor department.

How about Ralph Nader? There’s a man born without a humor gene. When Ralph attempts to smile, he looks as if his gallbladder is about to explode. Ralph’s a total loser in the humor department—not to mention as a presidential contender.

That leaves me. (Well, and Bob Barr, who is known only to the dozen or so Libertarians nationwide.) As your president, I promise to bring fresh sarcasm to the Oval Office. I’ll model most of my jokes after the deadpan wit of Steven Wright and the righteous anger of George Carlin. And to avoid the “elitist” label, I’ll throw in a few jokes about bodily functions and my wanker ala Larry the Cable Guy to appease the blue-collar masses.

In this time of war, dire economic distress and Dr. Phil, America needs a president who can make them laugh—on purpose, that is. I’ll pepper my State of the Union address with topical jokes. Let’s try one out:

Question: How many Iranians does it take to launch a nuke at Israel?
Answer: Four hundred and one. Four hundred to build it, and one crazy motherfucker to push the button.

Hmmm. I can tell from the eerie silence that that one sucked. I guess this comedy thing isn’t as easy as Dane Cook makes it look.

I’m afraid that Round One goes to McCain. But I’m not giving up yet.

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