Going Rogue: The Life of Caribou Barbie

I’m a little embarrassed. I though that “Going Rogue,” the title of Sarah Palin’s new autobiography, meant going without underwear. That led to some not-totally-unpleasant speculation on my part about what Sarah wears (or doesn’t wear) under her black leather miniskirts. A friend of mine had to remind me that I was confusing the term “going rogue” with “going commando.” My bad.

Speaking of bad, this book looks like a stinker. Let me confess up front that I haven’t read the whole thing, but I did go to Amazon’s Web site and read the first six pages through their “Search inside this book” link, then instantly regretted wasting that precious five minutes of my life.

Let me summarize what’s in the book based on what I’ve heard: Sarah Palin wants every American woman to have at least five children and name them after things found in “Hunting and Fishing” or “Road and Track” magazine. If elected president in 2012, Palin will issue an assault rifle and a portable nuclear fallout shelter to every Christian American family, and use America’s nuclear arsenal to annihilate our enemies, including Iran and all countries ending in “stan.” Palin figures the assault rifles might come in handy to defend against any Muslim terrorist zombies that might rise from the radioactive waste of the Middle East. Jews will be protected, of course, because they are God’s chosen people. And everyone else is a heathen, so screw them.

OK. I’ll admit that I just made that up. I was just taking a page from Palin’s book—er, her metaphorical playbook, that is—and not letting facts get in the way, just like Palin did when she criticized the non-existent “death panels” in President Obama’s health care reform plans. If you want a real taste of the book, here’s the opening paragraph:

It was the Alaska State Fair, August, 2008. With the gray Talkeetna Mountains in the distance and the first light covering of snow about to descend on Pioneer Peak, I breathed in an Autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier. Cotton candy and foot-long hot dogs. Halibut tacos and reindeer sausage. Banjo music playing at the Blue Bonnet stage, baleen etchings, grass-woven Eskimo baskets and record-breaking giant vegetables grown under the midnight sun.

It’s good to know that there were other record-breaking giant vegetables on display at the fair besides Palin herself. I had to look up “baleen” in the dictionary, because it sounded like a female body part I was unfamiliar with. Actually, it’s whalebone. I don’t know if etching stuff on whalebones is an Eskimo tradition or if it’s something Alaskans do out of sheer boredom, like having blubber-spitting contests.

The book was allegedly co-written with journalist Lynn Vincent, although I suspect that Vincent did most of the writing while Sarah was out shooting Rudolf, Donner and Blitzen to make more yummy reindeer sausage. I’m dubious that Palin did much writing because the book isn’t written in her native Gibberish.

Amazingly, “Going Rogue” instantly topped the New York Times best-seller list, and more amazingly, it’s classified as non-fiction despite Palin’s penchant for twisting the truth. It’s astounding that so many people take this dimwit seriously as a political thinker and, most amazingly, as a viable presidential candidate. (I have just used the word “amazingly” to every degree possible in just one paragraph, which is itself pretty amazing.)

Palin’s fans claim to like her because she’s just like them—earthy, honest, “real,” and apparently as dumb as a post. When Palin launched her book tour in Grand Rapids, Michigan, NPR’s Morning Edition interviewed some people waiting in line for hours on end to have a book signed the Divine Miss P.

Jean Dolman, 81, said, “I think she is a [sic] honest person. I think she tells it like it is. I just think she's a super person, and I—she has a Lord now, too, and that makes a difference.”

Huh. A lord, not the Lord? I think it’s safe to assume that Ms. Dolman meant Jesus, and not Lord Voldemort or Lord Krishna. But you never know. Perhaps Palin can see Hogwart Castle or Svarga from her house.

The irony that Palin, who never misses a chance to blast the “liberal media," is making liberal use of that same media to promote her book seems lost on her followers. Apparently the media are a loathsome lot until they come in handy for self-promotion. (Except for Katie Couric, who remains an evil bitch for asking Palin unfairly tough questions such as, “What newspapers do you read?”)

Anyway, if you’re masochistic enough to read this book, perhaps first you should set the proper Last Frontier mood by slipping on your wolfskin robe, your sealskin slippers, and serving yourself a delicious bowl of Blubber-Os. Or you could read a good book instead.

Home