Courting the Gay Vote
(So to Speak)

Hello, homosexuals! I’m not one of you, but some of my best friends are homos. In fact, some of them think I’m a deeply closeted gay man who just doesn’t know it. Ha, ha! Silly fags! In my defense, let me say that not all heterosexual men enjoy watching sports or Larry the Cable Guy, nor do we all have active dating lives. The fact that I haven’t had a date in well over a year does not make me a closet case; it merely indicates selectiveness. And just because I accidentally discovered one Halloween that I look fabulous in eyeliner doesn’t make me gay—nor does the fact that I own all of Rufus Wainwright’s CD’s. Not that I would object to being gay, mind you—I’m just not.

Anyhoo, as all you rug munchers and pillow biters know (I’m just teasing, you goofs!), I am running for president of the United States. I realize that my bid is a long shot, since better-funded candidates than I could ever hope to be have already packed up their Bentleys and gone home to sulk. (Bye-bye, Mittens!!)

And it appears that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have certain demographics pretty well sewn up: the women’s vote, the black vote, the white vote, the Hispanic vote, the Ann Coulter reverse psychology vote, etc. And John McCain has a lock on the Depends-wearing grumpy old bastard vote, and the rich greedy bastard vote.

But in their zeal to court mainstream Americans, the three major candidates have neglected one terribly important and stylish demographic: gay people. The Big Three may have ignored you, but I won’t. I firmly believe in every individual’s right to indulge their sexual preferences… as long as those preferences don’t involve animals and/or pain. (Pain bad. Pleasure good.) I also believe that marriage should be available to all consenting humans who wish to ruin their lives, regardless of gender. As your president, I will push for a constitutional amendment to make this the law of the land. This will be a tough battle, because polls show that roughly 60 percent of Americans oppose gay marriage. But a fair number of Americans opposed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, and it took the kind of bravery that I will show as president to push that legislation through the resistance of Southern legislators. (Glad you’re dead, Strom!)

But first we must show the general public, especially Baptists and Pentecostals, that not all gay people are as obnoxious as Rosie O’Donnell and Richard Simmons, nor does the gay population harbor a higher percentage of pedophiles or serial killers than the hetero world. I feel perfectly safe bending over to pick up a bar of soap when I’m in the shower at the gym with a gay friend. (And here I’m merely demonstrating that we must learn to laugh with each other in a good-natured way!)

In order to do this, I will propose an "Adopt a Gay" Day, in which ignorant right-wing folk will be forced to spend a full day with a gay person, get to know him or her, and realize that underneath the designer labels, we’re all the same inside, except that some people have a far better fashion sense.

What have the other candidates done for you? Even though John McCain feels that a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage is unnecessary, he has repeatedly stated that marriage should be between a man and a woman. And Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been vague on the issue, although neither would support a constitutional gay marriage ban.

At least we can all thank God or Allah or Zeus or whoever that Mike Huckabee has no chance of winning the presidency. He stated in an interview on belief.net that: "I think the radical view is to say that we're going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again."

C’mon, Mike. Allowing gay people to marry will not lead to men marrying sheep, women marrying donkeys, or children marrying Teletubbies. I have no fear of this happening. What I do fear is a self-righteous majority forcing their so-called morality on a minority that merely seeks equal treatment.

So flamboyant gay men, I need you to put on your lightest loafers and pound the pavement, singing in your best Judy Garland voices that the Angry Bald Man is coming to bring social equality for all! And butch lesbians, mousse your mullets and climb aboard your Harleys and start rumbling for righteousness! And all you gay macho males and femme lesbos, get your straight friends to climb on the Angry Bald Man’s Sexless Express! (And please send me suggestions for a better name for my Express.)

Let my shiny bald scalp be your beacon of hope!

Home