The Miracle in the Bird Poop

In my youth, I thirsted for a personal experience of God. Not the egomaniacal, whimsically cruel God of the Old Testament, but the groovy, Everything-Is-One Godhead described by mystics. I envied people who had spiritual visions and wondered why, since I ardently read books on philosophy and religion, practiced meditation and generally tried so hard to understand the nature of existence, the Universe couldn’t throw me a bone in the form of a “burning bush” experience of my own. (Insert your own crude joke here.)

Once I even tried LSD in the hope of opening my mind to the cosmos. After all, it worked for the Beatles. Twenty minutes after dropping a tab of acid with my friend Mike, I started giggling. Then the giggling turned into uproarious laughter, even though nothing was funny. The next thing I knew, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. And I couldn’t stop laughing, no matter how hard I tried. I truly thought I was going to die. I could imagine the newspaper headline the next day: “Man Dies Laughing While Trying to See God.” How embarrassing. The only way I was finally able to calm down was to guzzle a six-pack of beer.

So much for mystical revelations.

Apparently I was going about this whole thing the wrong way. Instead of trying to experience God directly, perhaps I should’ve been looking for religious signs in ordinary things. Clouds, for example. Apparently Jesus and the Virgin Mary enjoy making appearances in and on such diverse things as freezer ice, a screen door, a closet door, a cement floor, chocolate drippings, a grilled cheese sandwich, and oddly enough, a dog’s butt. God Himself never seems to make an appearance, despite there being many depictions of Him in art. Maybe He has better things to do.

The latest Virgin Mary sighting occurred when she made a surprise appearance in a bird dropping on a truck in Bryan, Texas. (An embarrassing number of these “sightings” seem to take place in Texas.) The headline “Virgin Mary Spotted in Bird Poop” might offend some religious purists, but others might take solace in knowing that the next time a bird shits on their head, it could be a messy miracle from Mother Mary. 

It’s interesting that these appearances seem restricted to Christians, and especially Catholics. You never hear about Hindus seeing Vishnu on their roti, Jews seeing Moses in their matzoh balls, or Muslim extremists seeing Muhammad in their C-4 explosive putty. I can see why Catholics in particular might fall prey to interpreting ambiguous visual images in this way, since Catholicism is so laden with religious symbols and the Pope wears that funny hat.

I have to admit that, as a non-religious person, if I saw Jesus’s face on my closet door it wouldn’t mean much to me. I probably wouldn’t take it as a sign that I’m in need of salvation, although I might take it to mean that I need to stop mixing booze and Vicodin, or that maybe I need to clean out my closet.

Still, if I ever see Jesus or the Virgin Mary on my breakfast taco, you can be sure I will sell the taco on eBay, hopefully for a five-figure sum. I wouldn’t want to keep such a miracle to myself.

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