Bush Undergoes Brain Surgery

Sept. 19, 2008 (WASHINGTON) - The White House announced that President George W. Bush suffered a head injury at his ranch in Crawford, Texas and is recuperating from an eight-hour emergency surgery. White House spokesperson Dana Perino said that the president was kicked in the head when the "cow" he was trying to milk turned out to be a bull.

“The president will be fine, and able to resume his duties in a short time,” Ms. Perino said, before bursting into sobs and running from the White House Press Room.

Mr. Bush’s neurosurgeon offered a different account. "Because of the severity of the damage, I had to implant a monkey brain into the president,” said Dr. Howard Goldman of Bethesda Naval Hospital. “It should offer a comparable level of cognitive functioning, although clearly the monkey brain will make the president an entirely different, um, person. Personally, I don’t think anyone will notice much difference.”Dr. Goldman was not authorized to speak to the press, and was quickly whisked away by men wearing black suits.

The White House admitted that President Bush will be under heavy sedation for “several hours, or perhaps days,” during which time Vice President Dick Cheney is serving as acting president.

Meanwhile, Acting President Dick Cheney released a cryptic one-sentence statement: "Today the United States... tomorrow, the world."

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