News Flash!

Cheney Promises More Terrorist Attacks

October 25, 2009 (WASHINGTON) – Former Vice President Dick Cheney continued his war of words with the White House today, promising that there would be further terrorist attacks on Americans if the Obama administration continues its current course of reversing Bush era policies, “Even if I have to commit them myself,” Cheney said.

Today Cheney made the rounds of the Sunday morning talk shows. “We kept America safe for seven years,” Cheney growled out of the left side of his mouth. “I’m not going to stand by and watch some young punk undo what took us seven years to do—build America’s image as the toughest bully in the schoolyard. All these moves to make nice with other countries and stop torturing terrorism suspects and start treating them like actual human beings… it just makes my pacemaker go into overdrive.”

“Techniques like waterboarding aren’t so bad,” Cheney said. “I used to waterboard my kids when they got out of line, and they turned out okay—except for Mary, who’s a dyke. But I still love her. Sort of.”

Cheney added, “Look, I shot one of my own best friends in the face. You think I won’t blow up, say, the Washington monument and possibly a few lousy tourists to prove my point? Think again.”

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