Chertoff Urges Vigilance

May 7, 2008 (Washington) - Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced today that Americans should remain “as vigilant as 10-year-olds at a Michael Jackson slumber party.” Chertoff said that "there are still a lot of weirdoes out there," if not actual terrorists.

“We haven’t raised the national terror alert above Mellow Yellow since the 2004 election season,” Chertoff said. “But that’s no reason to get complacent. There are still plenty of non-terrorist weirdoes out there to worry about. Take that Austrian guy who kept his daughter in his basement for 24 years and had several children by her. That could be happening in America right now—in  Florida, in California, and especially in the Ozarks.

“We encourage everyone to keep their eyes open and report any neighborhood weirdness to authorities immediately. Plus with this border fence going up, people near the Texas-Mexico border need to watch out for pole-vaulting Mexicans falling on them. Frankly, with all the hot terrorist action happening overseas right now, we’re kind of bored.”

Chertoff predicts a rise in domestic and international terrorist “chatter” in late fall, possibly beginning in late September and continuing throughout October, necessitating the elevation of the nation’s terror alert status. “For some reason terrorists often become more active in an election season. While this department remains politically neutral, we remain convinced that the only person who can keep this country safe beginning January 9 is John McCain.”

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