Clinton Ponders Debt Payoff

June 11, 2008 (Washington DC) - Senator Hillary Clinton and her advisers are considering ways to pay off the approximately $22 million in debt incurred during her campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination. Clinton chose to suspend rather than end her campaign, allowing her to continue to receive donations. But insiders say that "creative fundraising" may be required to pay off the sizeable debt.

Rumor has it that Senator Clinton is considering challenging Senator Obama to a pay-per-view Elite Extreme Combat match to decisively decide who should be the Democratic nominee. Clinton technically has not quit the race and has not yet released her delegates to Obama. A senior Clinton aide who wished to remain anonymous said the senator believes she could "kick Obama's skinny ass" in a mixed martial arts matchup, proving her true worthiness for the nomination. Obama is expected to decline the invitation. "He's seen her nutcracker thighs," said the aide.

Some Clinton advisers have revealed that Clinton is considering auctioning on eBay the many pantsuits she bought to wear on the campaign trail. "There are many old-school feminists who would kill to wear Hillary's old clothes," said Clinton spokesman Mo Elleithee. "Not to mention all the drag queens who have admired Hillary's masculinity and bold taste in color. If a cornflake shaped like Illinois can go for more than 10 grand, these suits could easily fetch a few million."

Another idea floated by the senator is selling her husband's sexual services. She believes the former president is highly marketable as a "stud."

Senator Clinton allegedly said, "If Bill's gonna keep screwing around, we might as well get some cash for it. There are lots of pudgy sluts out there who would gladly pay to have Bill do them."

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