"Evil Elmo" Threatens Child

February 23, 2008 (Lithia, FLA) – The mother of two-year-old James Bowman received a shock when she changed the batteries in his favorite toy, an Elmo Knows Your Name doll. When powered on again, the furry red doll began to say, “Kill James” in its sing-song voice—an utterance not usually expected from a Muppet toy.

Audio analyst and conspiracy theorist Milo Kenobi believes the doll is making a suggestion, not a statement. “Close analysis of the doll’s verbal inflection clearly shows that the doll is actually saying, ‘Kill, James?’, which would imply that Elmo is encouraging James to commit homicide," Kenobi said. "I believe that this could be an effort by a terrorist group, or possibly even the CIA, to try to train killers at an early age.”

The incident has caused such renewed interest in the dolls that manufacturer Fisher-Price plans to release a whole new line of similarly styled Muppet toys, including Kermit the Assassin, Oscar the Sociopath, Miss Ninja Piggy, Psycho Bert and Ernie, Bad-Ass Big Bird, Killer Cookie Monster, Slasher Zoe, the Two-Headed Martyr, Abby Cadaver and Count the Corpse.

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