Hideous Kinky

I’ve been reading about David Carradine’s rather humiliating death, which was apparently caused by autoerotic asphyxiation. As if being found dead in a closet with a rope around his neck and genitals weren’t bad enough, he was also allegedly wearing a wig and fishnet stockings. I hope the dead can’t be embarrassed, because if I were he, my corpse face would be beet-red right now. I hope that if I die when I’m 72, I go out doing something a bit more socially acceptable, such as having sex with Paris Hilton.

I always liked David Carradine. He became one my childhood heroes with his portrayal of Kwai Chang Cain on the TV show “Kung Fu.” It wasn’t until I was an adult and briefly studied kung fu that I realized that the fight scenes staged on the show were totally and rather hilariously phony. Still, that show launched many a youth’s dream of being a martial arts badass and/or Eastern philosopher.

Although the exact cause of death hasn’t officially been declared, Thai police officials believe it was accidental—Carradine simply got carried away while choking his... uh, body parts with a rope. (It gives a whole new meaning to the name “Thailand.”) But Carradine family lawyer Mark Geragos said on “Larry King Live” that he believes it’s possible that Carradine was killed by a secret sect of kung fu assassins.

I’m no expert on either martial arts or secret sects, but it seems to me unlikely that kung fu assassins would dress someone up in a wig and fishnet stockings before or after killing them—unless of course it was the Secret Society of Cross-Dressing Kung Fu Assassins, which would explain everything.

The sad truth appears to be that David Carradine was a man with a self-destructive kinky side, which had apparently contributed to his failed marriages. It makes me glad that my own sexual proclivities are so totally mundane.

All this has put me in a contemplative mood. I find myself pondering the big existential questions: How can I have sex more often? And do I have to pay for it?  Should I avoid Thai hookers? And what if I’m found dead wearing my Snuggie? Will my family be embarrassed?

There's so much to consider...

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