Huckabee Drops Out

March 5, 2008 (Irving, TX) - Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee dropped his long-shot bid for the Republican presidential nomination today after Senator John McCain secured enough pledged delegates in the March 4 primaries to become the assured nominee.

“Like all religious fundamentalists, sports stars and President Bush, I was certain that God was on my side,” a visibly crushed Huckabee told reporters at an early morning news conference. “I prayed seven times a day for Jesus to smite my enemies and clear my way to create a new theocracy in America. I thought I had it in the bag, with only John McCain left to go. I mean, he’s like 90 years old. How hard can it be to him into a pillar of salt or something? Apparently Jesus wasn’t listening.

“My faith has been destroyed,” Huckabee continued. “Clearly everything I’ve ever believed in is false.  I hereby renounce my former religion, and from now will on devote myself to mystical asceticism.”

With that, Huckabee stripped naked, shaved his head, and wandered off into the desert.

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