Ted Kennedy Spins in Grave

January 20, 2010 (WASHINGTON) - A whirring sound was heard last night in the vicinity of Senator Ted Kennedy's grave in Arlington National Cemetery. The long-serving Massachusetts senator, who died of brain cancer last August, long championed overhauling America's health care system to provide care to all its citizens.

The whirring sound began shortly after Republican Scott Brown scored a stunning upset over his Democratic opponent to win Kennedy's vacant senate seat.

Kennedy's widow, Vicki, confirmed that the noise was indeed Kennedy spinning in his grave. "Poor Teddy," she said. "He worked so hard for health care all these years and all he got was a brain tumor. And now he's been replaced by a Republican Ken doll who posed nude in Cosmo."

A groundskeeper at Arlington National Cemetery, Bobby O'Connor, said today that the whirring sound has died down somewhat, only to be replaced by cursing. "I heard Teddy sayin' somethin' about 'How could these goddamn morons screw this up? God in Heaven, I wish I had some whiskey.' So I poured some from me flask onto his grave, and that shut him up for a bit."

In other news, God is reportedly preparing an extra painful room in Hell for televangelist Pat Robertson, whom God described as "One of my biggest mistakes. Ever."

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