News Flash!

Obama Announces "Loot for Losers"

Aug. 24, 2009 (WASHINGTON) - With the “Cash for Clunkers” program ending today, the White House announced a new trade-in program designed to stimulate the economy. This afternoon President Obama held a news conference to unveil the “Loot for Losers” program, which will offer married people $100 to trade in their beer-guzzling, inefficient spouses for new models.

“For too long, American husbands and wives have suffered through miserable marriages to people who first seemed like Cadillacs but later turned out to be lemons,” the president said.

“We will accept all models of losers: wife-beaters, unfaithful sluts and assholes, boozers, crackheads, deadbeats, couch potatoes, moochers, and the overly flatulent, who emit lots of smelly methane gas that contributes to global warming.  We will pay one hundred dollars for each loser, and replace him or her with a young, hard-working immigrant who’s eager to become a productive American citizen. This is a win-win situation for everyone—except the losers.”

Asked what will be done with the traded-in spouses, Mr. Obama said, “Their organs will be harvested for transplant and their body fat turned into soap. My administration is firmly committed to recycling.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Gov. Mark Sanford’s wife, Jenny, are arm-wrestling to see which of them will be first in line for the new program.

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