McCain Dumps Palin for “Joe the Plumber”

Oct. 16, 2008 (Washington) - Sen. John McCain stunned the world today by announcing that he is dropping Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential running mate. At a news conference in New York City, McCain said “My friends, it’s time for a change… again.

“This was a difficult decision to make—almost as difficult as the five seconds I spent picking Governor Palin as my running mate. But for the good of the Republican Party, the country and everyone’s sanity, I’m throwing Gov. Palin under the Straight Talk Express. If I’d spent more time vetting her, I might’ve realized what a totally unqualified dingbat she is. But I thought a hot woman with a sad baby story would reenergize our party—and it did, for about five minutes. But now I’ve found a new maverick to help me lead the country in yet another direction. Ladies and gentleman, I give you… Joe the Plumber.”

McCain stepped aside to reveal Joe Wurzelbacher, the plumber who gained fame by questioning Sen. Barack Obama about his tax plan at a rally Tuesday in Holland, Ohio. During Tuesday night’s presidential debate, Sen. McCain mentioned “Joe the Plumber” 478 times, and pledged that he would help people like Wurzelbacher, whereas Obama would “tax the crap out of them.”

“In Joe ‘the Plumber’ Wurlitzer I’ve found the perfect ‘average Joe’ who understands the struggles of small businesspeople,” McCain said. “Whether you want to start a beer empire like my wife Cindy did, or expand your business of scraping disgusting shit out of sewer lines like Joe does, we’re here to help you.

“And with Joe ‘the Plumber’ Weinerschnitzel as my vice president,” McCain added with a grin, “we’ll never have to worry about the White House plumbing while we’re in office.” McCain then announced that if elected, he would appoint Joe Six-Pack American to head the Treasury Department, Dave the Mechanic to head Homeland Security, and Floyd the Barber to head the Department of the Interior.

Gov. Palin, upon hearing the news that she’d been replaced on the ticket, shrieked, “Oh, say it ain’t so, Joe!”

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