Paulson Stages Coup

October 15, 2008 (WASHINGTON) - U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson staged a coup this afternoon, briefly taking over the White House and declaring himself “Emperor of America.” Paulson then hastily called a news conference that was broadcast live from the Oval Office.

“Good afternoon, serfs,” Paulson said, cackling and rubbing his hands together in a villainous fashion. “I can’t believe Congress and the president were stupid enough to give me half the country’s booty to use at my own discretion! It took a mere $100 million to buy off every member of Congress, and the Supreme Court came even cheaper. Now there is no one to stand in my way! I told now-former President Bush that his term as president was ending early, and he eagerly hightailed it to his stupid little ranch in Texas.”

Paulson then paused to eat a celebratory pretzel and drink from his flagon of ale, but the pretzel lodged in his throat and he choked to death. One hour later, Congress was back in session. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi appeared on the House floor and apologized for her lapse in judgment, then asked, “Do we have to give the money back?”

President Bush had just reached the outskirts of Crawford when he was told of Paulson’s demise. The president reportedly grumbled, “Two more months of this shit,” before being picked up by a military helicopter for his return to the White House.

Meanwhile, Vice President Dick Cheney was at Bethesda Naval Hospital recovering from his 258th heart attack.

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