News Flash!

Ultraconservatives Go WACK

March 20, 2009 (Washington) - In an effort to rebrand itself, the Republican Party will no longer use the nickname the Grand Old Party (GOP), but will instead refer to itself the Cool New Party, or CNP.

“Look, we’re inclusive now,” CNP Chairman Michael Steele said at a Washington press conference. Steel wore an oversize baseball cap cocked sideways, held a 40 oz. Schlitz malt liquor bottle in one hand, and snapped his fingers while The Sugar Hill Gang’s 1980 hit “Rapper’s Delight” played in the background.

“We’re cool,” Steele continued. “I’m black, and we let that Indian guy rebut President Obama’s speech. And look! I’m listening to rap music!

"We welcome everyone," he continued. "But if you’re gay or non-Christian, for God’s sake, keep it to yourself.”

Ultraconservatives, led buy radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, have broken with the CNP to form the White Aging Conservative Klan, or WACK.  WACK will be devoted to undermining President Obama’s agenda, which in Limbaugh’s words, seeks “to create a European socialist model.”

“We will fight to until our very last breath,” said Limbaugh, popping a handful of Oxycontin and Viagra tablets.

Minutes later, Limbaugh collapsed and died from a massive coronary.

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