Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue

Last night I had a nightmare: John McCain was elected president, then died of cardiac arrest shortly after taking the oath of office. Sarah Palin was immediately sworn in, and as her first act as President, made the following speech:

“My fellow Americans, I have it on the highest authority [looks up at ceiling] that Eye-ran is in possession of a noo-cular weapon. I’m afraid we’re just gonna have to bomb Eye-ran, just like John McCain—bless his maverick heart—used to sing. We just can’t have Eye-ran attackin’ our good friend Israel with a nuke… doggone it, we just can’t. So in my first act as Commando-in-Chief, I am exercising my right to bomb the heck out of any country I darn well please. Now I know what you’re thinkin’—are we going to be careful only to destroy Eye-ran and not hurt its neighbors, Italy and Russia? You betcha! (Winks at camera.) To paraphrase the late, great Ronald Reagan, ‘I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Eye-ran forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.’ This is another unpleasant task from God, but what are we gonna do? God bless America, and only America. And God have mercy on those few Eye-ranians who are Christians. Toodle-oo!”

Talk about waking up in a cold sweat! The Alaska governor and professional dumbass continues to embarrass herself in front of thinking people, while thrilling her fellow bigoted dumbasses with escalating lies about Barack Obama. Rumor has it that the McCain campaign, in its final desperate throes, will run an ad next week claiming that Barack Obama actually is Osama bin Laden. I was able to obtain a transcript of the ad by breaking into McCain’s campaign headquarters:

(Ominous music. Deep-voiced male announcer.)
VIDEO: Split-screen images of Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama.
ANNOUNCER: He planned the biggest terrorist attack ever carried out against America. The other one is the biggest terrorist threat we face today. Both are tall, thin and dark. In fact, the resemblance is uncanny. They have not once appeared in public together. Osama bin Laden and Barack Hussein Obama… one and the same? You be the judge.
McCain VO: My name is John McCain, and I’ll pretty much approve any message that might help me get elected. For God’s sake, help me!

As McCain and Palin continue their descent into hell, I’m still trying to get my own presidential message out. In fact, you may be wondering where I’ve been. The two other third-party and independent candidates and I tried separately to force our way into the second presidential debate at Belmont University in Nashville on October 8. Libertarian weirdo Bob Barr showed up dressed as an American Revolutionary soldier, complete with tricorn hat and flintlock pistols. Barr yelled “Give me liberty or give me death!” and fired his pistols into the air, and was promptly gunned down by Secret Service agents.

Ralph Nader showed up driving a 1964 Chevy Corvair with signs on the side of it reading “The Two-Party System is Unsafe at Any Speed.” Then the Corvair’s brakes suddenly failed, causing the car to careen through the university campus and through Nashville itself before splashing into the Cumberland River. Unfortunately, Nader was unharmed.

I had a more elaborate and effective plan to join the debate. I was going to pose as one of the pre-selected “town hall” audience members. I waited in the bushes near the Curb Event Center with a bottle of chloroform and a handkerchief waiting for a bald guy about my size and age to pass by so that I could knock him out, take his credentials, and sneak inside the center to make a surprise appearance onstage. Finally a squat, bespectacled man with a shaved head passed by, and I pounced. The last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital with a concussion was flying over his shoulder as he flipped me to the ground, and his ham-sized fist coming towards my face. Little did I know he was an ex-Marine with PTSD.

Needless to say, I’ve been lying low lately, munching oxycontin and planning my next move. With the election just three weeks away, I must do something spectacular to get the message across that I am the true agent of change in this election, as well as the savior of the Western World. That last part could be the oxycontin talking—I’m not sure, so I’d better pop another one to find out.

Stayed tuned, my friends. (And unlike John McCain, when I say “my friends” I mean it, because no one else reads this Web site.) This race isn’t over until the Supreme Court sings. And remember, children… sometimes nightmares do come true. Do we really want that to happen?

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