The Perils of Polls

Have you ever been polled? If so, then you know how painful it can be. (I’m pretty sure that’s an old David Letterman joke.) I’ve never had the pleasure of taking part in a political poll. That’s surprising, considering that millions of Americans apparently get polled every day by various organizations. Maybe my demographic—quiet, angry bald loners—is considered too small (or potentially dangerous) to bother polling. Or maybe I’ve never been polled because I never answer my phone or my front door. That’s because I have a fear of Jehovah’s Witnesses. No offense, weirdoes.

The word “pollster” has a criminal ring to it, like the words “gangster,” “mobster,” and “lawyer.” I’ve come to believe that opinion polling should be outlawed. Why? Because, according to a poll I conducted among my friends, polls are meaningless, and we’re sick of hearing about them.

Polls might be more accurate if they weren’t conducted months and/or years before the actual event they purport to be gauging. If last year's polls had been accurate, Rudolph Guliani would be the Republican presidential nominee, Hillary Clinton would be out on the campaign trail wearing her victory pantsuit and her husband would be eating his way through the South while campaigning for her.

This week a story on CNN quoted a Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll showing Barack Obama with a 12-point lead over rival John McCain. This is June, for chrissakes! The story noted that there are “just over four months to go” until the election, as if it’s just around the corner. After inauguration day next January, I halfway expect pollsters to be asking people who they’ll be voting for in 2012.

I resent political polls for many reasons, not the least of which is that they don’t include me as a presidential candidate. Also, why do these polls vary so much from week to week? What kind of moron hasn’t made up his or her mind who he or she will be voting for in November? That is, aside from the millions of Americans who have not had the opportunity to hear my message of hope and Xanax for everyone? Surely I would be running neck-and-neck with Obama and McCain if people could see me, feel me, and smell me. You see, I have what President Bush might call “charismaticness.”

What really concerns me is the psychological effect of political polls. People may lend undue credence to them and, if their candidate is the apparent underdog, may feel that they’re betting on a loser and decide not to bother voting. Or they might unconsciously bow to implicit peer pressure and vote for the person holding the apparent lead, thereby proving that Jesus was right—people are like sheep.

If I become president, I will push for laws to control polling, if not abolish it outright. I’ll propose that no political poll may be conducted more than four weeks before an election. Pollsters may ask no more than 15 questions, only three of which may relate to a candidate’s hairstyle or fashion sense. Pollsters must be polite, articulate and professional or, depending on the circumstances, poll victims will have the right to scream obscenities at them over the phone, or beat them over the head with the pollsters’ own clipboards. Furthermore, the Zogby organization must change its name to “Take My Poll—Please,” because that amuses me.

I’m going to try to ignore poll results from now until the election is over. That is, unless I zoom ahead from the back of the pack and see my name up there beside Obama’s and McCain’s. That would pique my interest.

Until then, honk if you support my candidacy.

Well? I can't hear you!

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