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Porn Industry Sought Bailout

Feb. 14, 2009 (WASHINGTON) - Representatives from the porn industry showed up on Capitol Hill last week to request a $5 billion bailout as part of the proposed economic stimulus package. "Hustler" publisher Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" video producer Joe Francis, along with two porn stars, were denied entrance to Congressional hearings.

"Look, we haven't had to downsize yet," said Flynt from his gold-plated wheelchair on the Capital steps, elicting laughter from reporters. "But silicone implants, butt implants, collagen and botox injections ain't cheap, and our customers demand a certain boob size and fullness of the lips and ass cheeks in their porn stars. Any cutbacks will be noticed by the pathetic losers who consume our product so voraciously, which is 94 percent of the population. What happened to Detroit could happen to us."

"Yeah, and we gotta pay a lot to lawyers of bimbos who claim to be 18 and then turn out to be twelve," said Francis, somewhat bitterly.

Stormy Daniels, star of such adult award-winning films as "Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre" and a potential candidate for one of Lousiana's U.S. senate seats, said that porn is a basic staple for most people she knows, just like "caviar, Lamborghinis and cocaine."

"Give us... and yourselves... a hand," Daniels said, winking and licking her glossy lips.

Legendary porn star Ron Jeremy ended the group's statement by grabbing his crotch and saying "I got your stimulus package right here." Jeremy was later seen being led into a little-used cloakroom by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

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