Assuming the Positions

Many voters have complained that some presidential candidates aren’t offering enough specifics on where they stand on the issues, or that certain of them keep shifting their positions purely for political gain. I want to start a dialog with you—or rather, a soliloquy, as it were—on what I will do as your president. I’m a better choice than Barack Obama, John McCain, and She Who Will Not Go Away, and I’m here to prove it.

Let’s get started.

Health care – I believe that access to health care is a universal right, and that’s why, as president, I will fight for the right of all Americans to become Chinese citizens. Don’t get me wrong—I would never renounce my American citizenship, and I know you wouldn’t, either. But since China virtually owns the United States, I believe we should all have dual Chinese-American citizenship. That way we can qualify for China’s state-run health care. It may be sub-par, but hey, it’s better than nothing. If they’re going to put lead in our toys and herbal remedies and eventually enslave us in their sweatshops, they owe us some doctoring… and for free.

Religion – Ever since the religious right became a major force in politics back around 1980, every presidential candidate has had to at least pretend that he or she believes in God, Jesus and and/or possibly the Pope. It’s with this in mind that I will here put forth my own religious views. And I vow to protect your right to exercise your personal faith, as long as it doesn’t involve Tom Cruise, harming another person, or marrying your own 14-year-old cousin.

I am an Easter Bunnian. We believe the Easter Bunny sacrificed his life for B’rer Rabbit, saving him during an Acme cannon fight with Bugs Bunny. The Easter Bunny died, but rose after three days to spread chocolate and cheer to all human beings. The Easter Bunny has seen me through countless hard times. He demands nothing, but visits once a year proffering chocolaty treats from his bottomless basket. When I find myself in times of trouble, the Easter Bunny comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: “Eat some treats.” It’s a beautiful and calorically satisfying religion, I assure you. Here. Have a Cadbury egg.

Energy Policy – I will insist that Congress to fund research into alternatives to fossil fuels. The much-ballyhooed ethanol program has been a total disaster for American agriculture, and has done virtually nothing to improve our carbon footprint or the flavor of corn. It may take decades to develop vehicles that run on gasoline alternatives and solar-powered homes, but we can do it. In the meantime, I will mandate that every American either take public transportation, or buy a moped or a bicycle for everyday use. If every lard-ass out there started riding a bike, it would also help solve the healthcare crisis—mainly by getting these people into shape or killing them off with coronaries. Naturally, people can keep their personal vehicle of choice for trips longer than, say, 100 miles.

Middle East Policy – I am by no means anti-Israel, and I fully acknowledge that country's right to exist. But does it really have to exist where it is right now? Much of the discord in the Middle East is the result of Israel’s inconvenient geographic location. This may sound sacrilegious, but can’t we just move Israel someplace where it’s not surrounded by enemies? Wasn’t the point of establishing Israel simply to give Jews a homeland? Why can’t we rename Wyoming “Israel” and let them move there? There’s lots of open space, and it’s sparsely populated. And I doubt that South Dakota or Idaho would try to start a war with their new neighbor. In fact, Dick Cheney probably owns enough Wyoming real estate that he could single-handedly set up the new state. I would, however, advise the Israelis to insist that Cheney give up all hunting rights on the property. 

I will continue stating my positions on the various issues that concern you, the ordinary working American. Next time I’ll tackle an issue that concerns us all: Is Paula Abdul just stupid, or is she drunk all the time?

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