Take My Quiz... Please

There are only five days remaining in the presidential campaign, and I thank the Omnipresent Universal Overseer for that. I think all of us, regardless of political affiliation, are glad that this super-marathon of a race is finally coming to an end.

Incredibly, approximately eight percent of the electorate still claims to be undecided. Let us try not to think of these people as morons—oh hell, why try to be nice when it’s clear that they are morons? I mean, really. It’s not as if we’re choosing between two centrists whose policies aren’t all that different. The choices are stark and clear.

The political parties and the media are urging every American to get out and vote. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest this: if you don’t clearly understand what the candidates’ policies are, don’t vote.

Voting may be a fundamental right, but along with that right comes the responsibility to actually know who and what you’re voting for. Are you using your “gut” instead of your head to vote? If so, please stay home. President Bush famously stated that he relies on his gut for decision-making. Apparently it was his gut that started a useless, horrible war and made many other terrible and costly blunders. Maybe it’s his gut that should be impeached, or at the very least, removed.

In my opinion, all voters should be required to answer a quick questionnaire before they’re allowed to vote, just to make sure that they have a reasonable grasp of the issues. The questionnaire wouldn’t have to be in writing (which would unfairly disenfranchise the illiterate), but could be administered orally, just like Viagra and Xanax. I realize this would slow down the voting process considerably, which is why, if I were president, I would turn Election Day into Election Week, and allow all Americans to take one full day off work to go vote. Perhaps I’ll suggest it to my Congresspersons.

I’m hereby offering my services to help develop a national political literacy test for the next election. Until we can weed out the dipshits, America will remain politically polarized. In the meantime, amuse yourself with this little quiz I put together to see how dumb—er, I mean, well informed—you are.

The Fun and Amazing ABM Political Awareness Quiz

1. Barack Obama was born in:

1. Heaven, and was sent down to save us all
   
2. The deepest pit of Hell
   
3. Honolulu, Hawaii

Correct answer: c. If you answered “a” or “b,” I beg you—please don’t vote.

2. Barack Obama is:

1. The junior U.S. senator from Illinois and the current Democratic nominee for President of the United States.
2. A Muslim terrorist “sleeper” agent sent here to destroy America.
3. Actually named Barack Saddam Hussein Adolf Hitler Osama bin Laden Obama.

Correct answer: a. I mean, c’mon!

3. What was the “The Keating Five”?

1. The name of the Jackson Five before Michael turned white.
2. Those hippie dudes from the 1960’s who pulled some shit in Chicago.
3. A group of five senators involved in the savings and loan scandal in the 1980’s, one of whom was John McCain.

Correct answer: c. Although my personal favorite is “a.”

4. How did John McCain react to being criticized by Congress for exercising “poor judgment” his role in the Keating savings and loan scandal?

1. Told Senate Ethics Committee Chairman Howell Heflin that he was “doing” his wife.
2. McCain apologized for his role in the matter and later said it “was the worst mistake of my life.”
3. He went apeshit and killed all six ethics committee members with a bamboo shoot.

Correct answer: b. This was back when McCain still had some personal honor.

5. Who is Joe the Plumber?

1. Some doofus who became famous by asking Barack Obama about his tax policy and is now the McCain/Palin campaign’s official mascot.
2. Someone too stupid to vote for his own economic interests.
3. John McCain’s personal plumber.

Correct answer: All of the above.

6. The Hanoi Hilton is:

1. A luxury hotel in downtown Hanoi.
2. Paris Hilton’s Vietnamese half-sister.
3. The nickname of the POW camp in Vietnam where some U.S. soldiers, including John McCain, were held prisoner.

Correct answer: c. As far as we know, “b” is not correct.

7. What did Sarah Palin claim she can see from her house?

1. Rush Limbaugh’s underpants.
2. Russia.
3. Santa’s workshop.

Correct answer: b. Her statement is true (although I’m not sure about Sarah’s house specifically), but that doesn’t exactly endow one with foreign policy experience, does it?

8. What is a “values voter”?

1. I am.
2. A voter who bases his or her voting decisions on rigid and usually ultraconservative beliefs instead of facts and policy issues.
3. A voter who shops exclusively at Wal-Mart and the Dollar Store.

Correct answer: b. If you answered “a,” please don’t vote. Go to church instead.

9. John McCain was once overheard saying which of the following to his wife Cindy:

1. “Can I borrow a few million bucks, sugar-woogums?”
2. “You have beautiful blue ocular orbs, my little sex robot.”
3. “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.”

Correct answer: c. How about those good ol’ family values?

10. Barack Obama’s religious affiliation is:

1. Muslim.
2. Christian.
3. Baby-eating Satanist.

If you answered “a” or “c,” you really are a moron. Please don’t vote. Ever.

11. What did Barack Obama say about public campaign financing in September 2007:

1. “Ha! Ha! Ha! I can’t buy this election with peanuts!”
2. "I will aggressively pursue an agreement with the Republican nominee to preserve a publicly financed general election."
3. “Can I get chicken gizzards with that?”

Correct answer: b. Obama later changed his mind, which proves that he’s one smart cookie.

12. Sarah Palin enjoys hunting and killing:

1. Democrats.
2. The liberal elite media.
3. Moose.

Correct answer(s): “c,” and possibly “a” and “b.” Run, Katie Couric and Nancy Pelosi!

13. Sarah Palin said that hearing this term applied to her makes her proud:

1. MILF.
2. Redneck.
3. Super-sexy mama moosekillah.

Correct answer: b. We’ll have to ask Todd Palin about “a” and “c.”

14. According to Joe “Foot In Mouth” Biden, who was president during the stock market crash of 1929, and what medium did that president use to communicate with the American people?

1. L. Ron Hubbard and telepathy.
2. Franklin Delano Roosevelt and television.
3. Calvin Coolidge and millions of carrier pigeons.

Correct answer: b. Joe’s hair plugs apparently sometimes interfere with his thought processes.

15. Sarah Palin touts her executive experience as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and as that state’s governor. What is the population of Wasilla and Alaska, respectively?

1. Wasilla: Ol’ Cooter and Festus and a few other inbred drunks. Alaska: 500,000 humans and 200,000 delicious moose.
2. Wasilla: 10,000 people, all with names like Track, Trig, Moonbeam and Chigger. Alaska: 3,000,000 aliens living underground in suspended animation, waiting for the signal to take over Earth.
3. Wasilla: 9,780 (2007 est.) Alaska: 670,053 (2006 est.)

Correct answer: c. And possibly “b.”

You’re done!

If you answered 11-15 questions correctly, go forth and vote with my cautious blessing. If you answered 6-10 questions correctly, you’re either inebriated or too young to remember certain historical events. If you answered 0-5 correctly, you really should not be allowed to vote.

Seriously, with the Internets and the Google at your disposal, there’s no excuse for being ignorant about the candidates or the issues. Know who and what you’re voting for. Otherwise, please don’t vote!

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