The Angry Bald Man vs. Tim Russert

(The following is a transcript of an interview with the Angry Bald Man on NBC’s "Meet the Press" with Tim Russert that took place on Sunday, March 22. Oddly, the supposedly “live” interview did not air, but was somehow replaced with an interview with Hillary Clinton. The ABM’s investigative team is looking into the matter.)

Tim Russert: Good morning, Mr. … Bald Man. Is Angry Bald Man the name under which you’re running for president?

Angy Bald Man: Good morning, Tim. Actually, I was thinking of running under a snazzier moniker, like maybe Optimus Presidento.

TR: Why not use your real name?

ABM: Because that’s boring, Tim, and I’m all about the excitement of change. I might even change my gender so that I can be a double-history maker… the first bald transsexual president. Nah, I’m just kidding. I love my penis too much.

TR: Okay. I’m sure everyone—including me—is wondering who you are, and what qualifies you to be president. In fact, I’m not even sure how you got on this show.

ABM: (Laughing) Oh, Tim, you’d be surprised where a little cash and a handgun can get you. As for my qualifications, I am an old-style citizen-statesman—simply a well-informed, highly intelligent American who is angry at how this country has been co-opted for the past generation by special interests and the far right, and how the Bush administration has used the Constitution as so much bird cage liner, allowing the parakeets of prey to poop upon it. Do you like alliteration, Tim?

TR: You just described your motivations, but what are your qualifications?

ABM: Again, I’m far more intelligent than the current president—but so are most mammals—and I’ve had quite varied life experiences and various jobs, so I understand the problems that ordinary people face. I even know the price of a gallon of gas, unlike President Bush-league. Here, have a copy of my resume. (Slides a page across the desk to Russert.) As for my experience, let me say that I was once an informal adviser to Bill Clinton, and made a trip to the Palestinian territory as a goodwill ambassador, where I dodged sniper fire upon arrival. I clearly remember the sound of a bullet screaming by just inches from my head.

TR: Really? You were in the Palestinian territories? Was it the West Bank or Gaza?

ABM: Um, I’m not that great at geography.

TR: We did some research, and it says on your MySpace page that you once worked in Palestine, Texas, as a Good Humor ice cream truck driver. Isn’t that the only “Palestinian territory” you’ve ever visited?

ABM: Uh, I suppose that could be the case. My memory is a bit fuzzy. You know, from smoking pot and whatnot.

TR: And isn’t it true that the “sniper fire” you refer to was actually stale Twinkies hurled at you by small children for overcharging them?

ABM: That could be true. But listen, a Twinkie hurled by a strong-armed 10-year-old can be quite deadly.

TR: You wrote on your resume that while he was president, Bill Clinton frequently called upon you for foreign policy and economic advice. And yet, there’s no record of you ever having known the Clintons.

ABM: Um, I hate to admit this on national TV, Tim, but Bill and I were secretly romantically involved while he was president. Bill really isn’t all that picky with whom he does weird things with cigars—as you can tell by looking at Monica Lewinski. My advice to him was solicited during these, uh, cigar sessions. I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

TR: So you’re saying that President Clinton is bisexual?

ABM: Shahh! Clinton’ll screw anything that’ll lie still long enough. Can I say “screw” on the air?

TR: Yes, you may. But why would a president call upon you, who have no foreign policy or economic policy credentials whatsoever… why would a president call on you for advice?

ABM: Because, Tim, I have what we in Texas like to call common sense.

TR: Now you’re just mimicking President Bush.

ABM: Heh-heh. And isn’t mimickry the sincerest form of flatteration?

TR: Excuse me?

ABM: You’re excused, Timmy. Can I call you Timmy? Or how about Mr. Serious Guy with the Double Chin?

TR: Stop that! Are you high on something right now?

ABM: Just on life. And the bong hits I had before coming on. You see, Timmy, I have this medical condition that causes me almost insufferable pain. It’s called being conscious. Marijuana eases the terrible existential ache of it. And when I’m president, I’ll make sure that every American has access to all the medical care that they need—legal or not.

TR: So as president, you wouldn’t respect the law of the land?

ABM: Well, President Bush has clearly set the precedent. (Giggling.) Hey, “president” and “precedent” sound almost the same. That’s funny!

TR: But you mentioned being angry at how, in your words, the Bush administration has trampled the Constitution and presumably violated laws. You would do the same?

ABM: Actually, I said “pooped upon.” And no, I wouldn’t do the same. Let me be perfectly serious: I would repeal unjust and useless laws that persecute and prosecute people for harmless activities conducted in the privacy of their own homes; ensure that teachers, not bureaucrats or religious fanatics, determine educational cirricula for our public schools; provide universal health care to all Americans with the tax funds that are currently being squandered on this useless war in Iraq. And I would return the combat focus of the war on terror to the resurgent al Qaida and Taliban forces in Afghanistan, and gradually change the U.S. military mission in Iraq to purely an advisory one to build up the Iraq army. And I’d work diplomatically and economically to end the causes of Islamist terrorism and the jihadists’ hatred of America and Western values. Much of the money we’re wasting trying to kill terrorists could be used to provide economic relief and pro-Western education in those underdeveloped countries where terrorism currently breeds. Oh, and I’d eliminate bacon from the federal budget.

TR: Um, “pork?”

ABM: No, thanks. Furthermore, I would declare an end to all reality TV shows—starting with “Survivor: Guantanamo Bay”—to help stop the spread of stupidity and tastelessness in this country. And I’d forbid using cartoon bears in toilet paper commercials. When bears shit in the woods, I’m pretty sure they don’t—

TR: I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have. Thank you for being here.

ABM: No, thank you for being here, Timmy.

TR: Security!

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