Sanford and Slut*

After my failed bid for the presidency in 2008, I thought I was through with politics forever. Now I’m having second thoughts. It’s beginning to look as if the only way I’m ever going to get any sexual or romantic action at my age is to hold high political office. It seems to work for a lot of middle-aged men—especially (and rather surprisingly) Republicans.

The latest scandal to afflict the already scandal-ridden Elephant Party is news of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s torrid affair with a woman in Argentina. To add insult to injury (or vice versa), the media have gotten hold of embarrassingly mushy emails that Sanford sent the woman, whose name, according to my sources, is Chi-Chi Peron. Sanford wrote to her praising her sophistication, tan lines, minty fresh breath, and… well, chi-chis.

The Not-So-Grand Old Party is having an especially hard time lately. Just last week, Republican Senator John Ensign admitted to an extramarital affair with a former staffer. Of course, infidelity and hypocrisy know no political affiliation, and Democrats have been equally guilty. For every John Ensign, there’s an Eliot Spitzer. But back in 1998, then-Representative Mark Sanford called Bill Clinton, the most famous Democratic philanderer of all, a “rascal” for his creative use of cigars upon the plump person of Monica Lewinski, and supported Clinton’s impeachment. And now we find that Sanford himself is a wascally wabbit.

The thing is, Democrats have never touted their moral superiority in such matters as “family values,” whereas Republicans have for years presented themselves as the next best thing to Jesus. Republicans routinely denounce unmarried sex and pornography and same-sex marriage, yet it was Republican Senator Larry Craig whose “wide stance” in a men’s room stall that led to his arrest on a charge of homosexual lewd conduct. Get a grip, guys—and I don’t mean on your wankers.

I don’t know whether to be moved or perplexed by Gov. Sanford’s rambling public confession, which was at some points tearful but mostly just weird, so I’ll resort to my usual emotion and be angry about it. But to be honest, it’s not the “sins” of Sanford and his ilk that bother me—it’s the fact that these homely doofuses are getting so much action. But some women (and men) are attracted to power, whether in the form of physical strength, wealth or social position. I suppose middle-aged politicians are what you go for when you’re too old to score with the high school quarterback.

Ultimately, the important issue here is my libido, just as it seems to be for a lot of politicians. I’m thinking of running for president again in 2012. I’d love to go head to empty head with Sarah Palin, if she turns out to the best the rapidly crumbling Republican Party has to offer at that time. But 2012 is a long way off, and I’m horny. So I’m thinking of running for governor of Texas in 2010.

That would require several sacrifices. In order to have a fighting chance, I’d have to run as a Republican, since Democrats are about as popular in Texas as President Obama would be at a KKK meeting. Switching to the Republican party not only means that I’d have to suppress my gag reflex, I’d also have to take on Rick “Gov. Goodhair” Perry in the Republican primary, and he does that impressive head of hair and his rugged good looks going for him. Plus, as a 50-year-old never-married man with a shaven head who would rather watch a Fellini film than a football game, I’d inevitably face questions about my manhood, which would lose me the redneck vote. And in Texas, that’s 90 percent of the electorate.

Oh, hell. This is way too much trouble. I’ll stick to running for president.

*With apologizes to Gov. Sanford’s mistress, who I’m certain is not a slut. As usual, I’ve gone for a cheap laugh. But that’s how I roll.

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