The Second Embarrassment from Texas

I am a native Texan. A long time ago, I could say that with a certain amount of pride. Oh sure, the stereotype of Texans being a bunch of Stetson-wearin’, gun-totin’, oil-lovin’ rednecks has been around long before Larry Hagman and his original liver disgraced the small screen as J.R. Ewing on “Dallas” throughout the 1980’s. But before the year 2000, this inaccurate stereotype was kind of fun. Then in 2000 You Know Who ran for president, and turned the stereotype into an eight-year national nightmare. I was hoping that once He Who Shall Not Be Named retired (rather ironically) to Dallas, maybe we Texans could once again prove ourselves to be more than alcoholic, Bible-thumping illiterates who love starting wars just because we can. I guess I’ll have to wait a little longer.

Now current Texas Governor Rick Perry, who puts the “goober” in “gubernatorial,” has opened his yap-hole and put our state once again embarrassingly in the national spotlight. Perry became governor when That Other Guy was appointed to the presidency by the Supreme Court, and has gone on to win two actual elections. In 2002, Perry squared off against a Democrat whom no one remembers and won handily. The late Molly Ivins delightfully dubbed Perry “Governor Goodhair” for his carefully sprayed coif, which appears to be impervious to wind, rain and possibly earthquakes.

The national press seems to think that Gov. Perry is wildly popular here in Texas, but poll numbers don’t support that. In 2006 Perry ran for reelection against Carol “I’ll Run For Any Available Office” Michael Keaton Foghorn Strayhorn, former musician and humorist Kinky Friedman, and a Democrat who may or may not have been alive at the time. In a testament to his actual popularity, Perry won only 39 percent of the vote.

Last year rumor had it that Perry was on John McCain’s short list for vice president. Perry would no doubt have been better able to handle the press than Caribou Barbie, and probably would have had some idea what the vice president actually does. Had McCain chosen Perry as his running mate, he might not have gotten trounced so badly on election day, and we would never have known that “trig” is not only a branch of mathematics, but also makes for a really bad baby name.

I relate all this useless information to get to my central point: although Gov. Perry is popular with a shrinking minority of Texans, for some reason he seems to be a rising star on the national Republican scene.

On April 15, right-wingers from across the country organized a number of “tea parties,” ostensibly to protest high federal taxes. Apparently the angry nitwits attending these events conveniently overlooked the fact that President Obama has already lowered taxes for most Americans.

Rick Perry took the stage at the "tea party" held here in Austin looking like a gay man’s butch dream date in a camouflage baseball cap and tight jeans. Perry told the flag-waving “patriots” gathered outside Austin City Hall what a mess Washington was making of things, and said that if they were fed up, they should text those words “fed up” to a number on their cell phones. Then he thoughtfully spelled “fed up” for the apparently illiterate crowd. Where these text messages would go, he didn’t say. Perhaps to the North Pole, where Santa lives.

Perry later told reporters, "Texas is a unique place. When we came into the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that.

"My hope is that America, and Washington in particular, pays attention," he said. "We’ve got a great union. There’s absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that?”

Pretty patriotic words, especially coming from the governor of America’s second largest state!

Perry later said he was not advocating Texas’s secession from the union. That’s good, because the governor doesn’t seem to realize that the notion that Texas can secede is a myth. It cannot. What it can do is divide itself up into four more states, which is a frightening thought, because the country might end up with four more Rick Perrys blowing “patriotic” hot air and using up the country’s precious supply of Aqua Net hairspray. But secession talk makes for good theater, especially in Redneck Country.

Clearly this grandstanding simply means that Perry is gearing up for a tough battle next year against Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison for the Republican gubernatorial nomination. And beyond that, who knows?

Move over, Sarah Palin. There’s a new simpleton hero on the right wing of the national stage.