Looks Like We Made It
May 21 came and went on without incident, despite Christian radio mogul Harold Egbert Camping’s dire prediction that the Rapture would occur at 6 p.m., when God would call his chosen ones up to Heaven and treat the rest of us to massive earthquakes rolling across the globe. Presumably there would be much weeping, gnashing of teeth and peeing of pants. I’m glad nothing happened, although it would’ve made for an exciting evening.
But just in case, my girlfriend Lady Ow-Ow and I got busy having an early evening of painful intimacy, making the Earth move in our own special way. Six o’clock passed quietly and I didn’t bother checking the news, but around midnight, as I lay in bed with Lady Ow-Ow gently snoring beside me, I began to wonder if perhaps the Rapture had occurred totally without fanfare. Maybe Jesus had quietly whisked away the Elect. After all, the New Testament says that Jesus will return like a thief in the night, which is why I always put my expensive wristwatch under my pillow when I go to bed. Or maybe there was no ruckus because there aren’t that many souls to be saved (144,000, according to The Book of Revelation) and maybe they all lived in Alabama. Or maybe Lady Ow-Ow and I were already in Hell and didn’t know it. We might open our front door in the morning to find Satan and Osama bin Laden playing Scrabble, the souls of the damned ringed around them, knee-deep in hellfire and placing wagers on who could spell the longest dirty word in Arabic.
Such speculations are unusual for me because I’m not at all religious, although I do have an active imagination and can be superstitious at times. But at least I know I’ll never join a cult founded by some crazy old coot who thinks the Bible contains coded info spelling out when our time is up, when the text itself says otherwise. Harold Camping predicted that the world would end once before, on Sept. 6, 1994. That day also passed uneventfully, and afterward Camping said that he’d gotten the math wrong. It’s beginning to look as though math is not Camping’s strong suit. But Camping, now known as Crazy Harold, was able to persuade his followers to spend and/or give away all their money and worldly belongings for this go-round of the supposed Apocalypse.
One follower, 60-old-retiree Robert Fitzpatrick of New York, spent $140,000—almost everything he had—on hundreds of billboards proclaiming that Armageddon was coming. Today he must have a serious case of buyer’s remorse. It’s sad that so many people fall for these charlatans, whether the deceit is intentional or the product of simple ignorance.
No human being has any real insight as to when or how the world will end. One thing is certain, though: The human race will not continue on forever. We might well go out with a bang—a nuclear war, perhaps, or maybe an asteroid collision. But more likely we’ll go out with a whimper, suffering through wars and famine and the eventual total depletion of our natural resources. That’s why it’s so important to seize the day and savor every moment of our brief lives. On that note, I’m returning the arms and handcuffs of Lady Ow-Ow.
Have a nice day.
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