A Weiner by Any Other Name...

In the increasingly surreal circus that is modern American culture, it’s getting harder and harder for those of us who write satire to do our jobs. The scandal surrounding Congressman Anthony Weiner’s penis pictures is the latest bit of stranger-than-comedy reality to dominate the media, even though it plays like a bad skit from Saturday Night Live. At least his first name isn’t Dick.

It’s hard to believe that a public figure named Weiner would be caught photographing his erect namesake and sending the pics to women via his Twitter account. I know that when I photograph my man-thingy I don’t post the pictures to the Internet. Like any sensible man, I carry them around in my wallet just in case some woman I meet asks to see a picture of my penis. It hasn’t happened yet, but you never know. In these matters discretion is everything. Apparently Mr. Weiner learned the hard way (pun intended) that they don’t call it the World Wide Web for nothing.

After news of Weiner’s photo was discovered, Weiner quickly went into crazed self-defense mode. He appeared on TV talk shows claiming that his Twitter account had been hacked and he’d been pranked. But when asked in an interview by NBC’s Luke Russert whether the picture was in fact of him, Weiner said he couldn’t say "with certitude" whether or not it was. Now, I don’t spend a great deal of time examining my tallywhacker, but I’m pretty sure I’d recognize a picture of it, especially clad in underwear. But then I do wear distinctive boxer shorts that have pictures of Glenn Beck’s face on them, so that Beck can kiss my ass every time I sit down.

On Monday Weiner held a press conference and admitted that the photo was indeed of his John Thomas (help me, I’m running out of colloquialisms here) and that he was the one when sent it. Weiner, in a quavering voice, apologized to pretty much everyone but especially to his newly pregnant wife, Hummus. He seemed sincere. But still, the first question that springs to mind is, Why lie in the first place? I know it’s become standard operating procedure for politicians to lie when caught with their pants down, as it were. But surely Weiner knew that it could easily be proven that his Twitter account had not been hacked and that he’d have to ‘fess up eventually.

Now that a second picture of Weiner’s erect wang (sans undies) has surfaced, many Republicans and Democrats are calling for Weiner to resign. I have mixed feelings about this. Clearly what Weiner did was creepy, but it’s not on a par with the extramarital hijinx of Newt Gingrich, Eliot Spitzer or the master himself, Bill Clinton. And of those three, only Spitzer resigned--which was the right thing to do, considering that the former attorney general was consorting with prostitutes.

Weiner did commit a kind of emotional adultery against his wife, and for that he should be very sorry. But it’s his bald-faced lying that bothers me most. Still, should Weiner resign over being stupid and lecherous and dishing out the usual cover-your-ass denials?

I thought Bill Clinton should have resigned after his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Not because of the affair itself, but because Clinton repeatedly lied through his teeth about it to the American people, thereby blowing (no pun intended) his credibility and betraying the public trust. Instead he stuck around through the remainder of a rather ineffective second term and allowed overzealous and self-righteous Republicans impeach him at great taxpayer expense. It amazes me that a man can so humiliate himself publicly and still have the hubris to remain in high office. Had I been in Clinton’s trousers I would’ve resigned in shame and gone to live on a tropical island where the nineteen-year-old girls are better-looking.

But Anthony Weiner, who I really wish would change his last name, is not the president of the United States. If he can behave himself, get back to work and effectively serve his constituents, then he should not resign. But if tweeting pictures of his Johnson is going to remain his favorite hobby, then maybe he should go away.

Given the mounting bipartisan pressure, Weiner probably will resign. And then we can return our attention to more important things, like keeping up with the Kardashians.

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