Yes, I Can!
Why I Should Be President

Today I’m pleased to announce my independent candidacy for the presidency of the United States. Ralph Nader ruined two elections, so now it’s someone else’s turn. It might as well be me.

You might wonder what qualifies me, an ordinary angry bald man, to be president. I must admit the field of candidates in this election cycle isn’t as piss-poor as the ones from the recent past, but I still feel that I can do a better job. I am a unificator, not a dividicator, and I have the experience to bring change to this great nation so that all citizens can realize the American dream. I will be ready on Day One after being sworn in as the Great Decider, and I will not retreat from terrorism.

Before I get into the specifics of what I can do for you, Joe and Jane Average, let’s take a look at what the 2008 candidates have (and had) to offer.

The Democrats

• Barack Obama- Many thought this mixed-race junior senator from Illinois with the terrorist-sounding name had no chance against Hillary Clinton’s well-entrenched political machine, but they were wrong. Barack “Change” Obama stands for change. He wants to change Washington’s wicked ways, change America’s political cynicism into hope, change everyone’s underpants, and change water into malt liquor. After realizing that Obama was drawing votes like crack draws Amy Winehouse, all the major candidates jumped on the annoying “change” bandwagon. This has earned Obama my bitter resentment.

• Hillary Clinton- She’s a lot like her husband, only without the charisma or the penis (presumably). Hillary has done a lot for New York State, but there is a long-standing and widely held perception that both Clintons will say and do anything to get elected and keep office. (For evidence, see Bill Clinton’s political career.) Lately Hillary has been reduced to aping Obama’s “change” theme, and now describes herself as an “agent of change,” which makes her sound like a human coin dispenser.

• John Edwards- His megawatt smile, sissified southern voice and $400 haircut apparently didn’t quite jibe with his anti-corporate, populist “fightin’ for the little people” message. Dropped his bid for the presidency to open a series of Sexy Scissors franchises.

• Bill Richardson- It was hard to take New Mexico’s governor seriously because of his uncanny resemblance to Horatio Sanz from Saturday Night Live. Richardson returned to the “Land of Enchantment” to cast spells on tourists to make them buy more crappy Native American handicrafts.

• Dennis Kucinich- His “Department of Peace” idea didn’t catch on with war-loving Americans, and many thought his purported UFO sighting must have been his native species comin’ for to carry him home. Dropped out to spend more time with Snow White and the other six dwarves. Too bad, because his hot wife would’ve made a mighty f-i-i-i-i-i-i-ine first lady.

• Joe Biden- Excellent candidate, awkward speaker. Notoriously called Barack Obama “clean and articulate.” Bye-bye, black vote! Bad hair transplant unappealing to balding Americans.

• Chris Dodd- A fatter Joe Biden.

• Mike Gravel- Does anyone know who the hell this guy is??

The Republicans

• John McCain- In the 2000 election, this honored war veteran was branded a “maverick” for exercising his own free will rather than toeing the GOP (Greedy Old Pricks) line. But despite the fact that he opposes abortion, believes that marriage should only be between a man and woman, and backs an endless U.S. presence in Iraq, McCain is considered too “liberal” by many Repubs. In order to prove his conservative credentials to the far right, McCain must promise to wrestle the Antichrist when he shows up, bomb all Muslims back to the Stone Age, and exterminate any remaining heathens. A tough task for anyone.

• Mike Huckabee- Who’d have thought there were so many rattlesnake-handling, tongue-speaking, writhing-in-the-Holy-Spirit hillbillies out there who could make their “X” on a voting ballot? Despite carrying the Bible-thumping, science-hating demographic, Huckabee never stood a real chance with the general electorate. Here’s a news flash, Mike: Jesus doesn’t vote. Time to go back to Arkansas where Granny, Uncle Jed, Jethro and Ellie May are a-waitin’ for yuh.

• Mitt Romney- Despite his perfect hair, perfect money and perfectly flexible stance on every issue, Romney suddenly called it quits when he learned that the New York Times was going to reveal that his full first name is “Mittens,” which would not have gone over well with anyone. And once rumors started flying that the Osmond family planned to resurrect Joseph Smith and run him for president, Mittens took his millions and went home to cry into his monogrammed silk hankies.

• Ron Paul- Nicknamed “Dr. No” for his constant vetoing of non-Libertarian-related legislation (i.e., all legislation), Paul started out as a Libertarian, but later switched the Republican Party. Republican voters overwhelming said “no” to Paul’s presidential bid—for the second time since 1988—to the dismay of his 18 supporters. Paul finally took the hint, and decided to go back to battling for his Congressional seat and 18th century values.

• Fred Thompson- This former actor-turned-senator-turned-actor-turned-failed presidential candidate should’ve been the darling of Republican conservatives, but his late entry into the presidential race and uncanny resemblance to a walking 80-year penis won him little support. Wisely dropped out to be with his hot wife.

• Rudy “9/11” Guliani- Once considered to be the Republican frontrunner, Rudy Guliani discovered that having a few heroic days as “America’s mayor” following the 9/11 attacks doesn’t qualify one to be president. And counting on seniors and Cuban refugees in Florida to remember the good ol’ days of 9/11 proved to be fatal strategy. As Senator Joe Biden so eloquently put it, “There's only three things he mentions in a sentence—a noun, a verb, and 9/11.” That, coupled with the fact that he is often mistaken for Elmer Fudd, doomed his candidacy.

Now that we’ve had a closer look at all these losers, I’d say I’m looking pretty good. As your president, I vow to restore the dignity, respect and honor once enjoyed by this great nation. I will restore the integrity of the Constitution, which has been repeatedly violated by Cheney and Bush. (How’s that for a mental image?)

I vow to refocus the war on terror where it belongs: Hollywood. Yes, the reason that Islamic Jihadhists hate us is that we export our decadent ways, mostly via Hollywood films. I nuke Hollywood, and there’ll be no “American Pie 5” or “Ocean’s 23.” Problem solved. (I promise to notify Steven Spielberg before the nuclear strike so that our most beloved filmmaker can escape. George Lucas can stay put. Curse you for those shitty Star Wars prequels, George!)

I vow to fund stem cell and genetic research to cure dangerous diseases, such as AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer’s disease, and Britney Spears Syndrome. To do this, I will authorize experimentation on expendable humans, such as Britney herself, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and all past and present contestants from American Idol.

I vow to declare war only on those countries that deserve it, or that can offer little resistance. Canada comes to mind, with its cheap pharmaceuticals and its delicious so-called “bacon,” both of which would be valuable boons to the U.S. economy. (Does Canada even have an army? I’m fairly certain our smart bombs can defeat their vaunted Mounties.) Regardless, Canada deserves to be punished for unleashing Celine Dion and Paul Shafer upon us.

I vow to restore the balance between all economic classes. Since George W. Bush took office, the gap between rich and poor has grown wider, with the middle class squished in between. I will do away with the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, and will levy a tax on luxury items—which I define as those items that I can’t currently afford myself. Want to buy a $30,000 car? Pay a 25 percent tax. Buying a yacht? If you can afford a frigging yacht, pay a 50 percent tax, asshole!

I vow to reduce stress, thereby reducing health costs. Americans are the most stressed-out lot on the planet. I propose mandating medicinal marijuana for all adult Americans. Smoke a little spliff, and all your worries will melt away. Making this mandatory will cause all those viciously competitive overacheivers like Bill Gates and Rupert Murdoch to chill, making life better for all of us.

Well, that’s my basic platform. If you agree with it, please support me with a large financial contribution. Did you know you can donate up to $2,300? I look forward to seeing your checks rolling in.

I can do this… yes, I can!

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