Adios, 2008

As radio stations play their “best of” song lists and TV news programs lament this year’s dead celebrities, it’s time to kiss 2008 goodbye. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d have to give this year a 7. It was a mixed bag of great achievements and major letdowns. It was no 1999, but it was certainly better than 2001.

I found the year personally disappointing in that I didn't achieve my biggest goals, which were to become President and lose 10 pounds—not necessarily in that order. But in looking at the big picture, I can see that, overall, this year was a pretty good one. After all, we survived the most protracted and nasty presidential campaign in memory to elect our first African-American President, which is nothing to sneeze at. On the other hand, the economy tanked, which is why 2008 gets a few demerits.

Let’s see how 2008 would do if it were in the Miss America pageant.

In the talent portion of our competition, I’d have to give props to 2008, which shined a spotlight on Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Tina Fey. On the other hand, 2008 stumbled badly by allowing the clueless Sarah Palin onto the world stage and by inflicting another season of “American Idol” upon us.

In the swimsuit competition, 2008 looked pretty good. There were the usual Beautiful People celebrities, such as Megan Fox and Hugh Jackman. Sarah Palin did well in this portion of our contest, despite miserably failing the Q & A section. Barack Obama’s handsome face and megawatt smile brought some extra pulchritude to the year. John McCain’s combover, however, was this year’s big aesthetic loser.

I’m sure that if 2008 could express its aspirations and feelings, it would say more than the usual platitudes about wishing for world peace and bigger boobs. It might say, “Good luck, 2009. You’ve got a lot of hard work to do, but look on the bright side—you’ve only got to deal with George W. Bush for 20 days, you lucky bastard!”

And speaking of 2009, I shall now present my predictions of major events for the coming year:

• After being out of power for a few months, former President George W. Bush will grow restless and ask President Obama to make him “ambassador of somethin’.” Obama will ask Bush if he is interested in bringing peace to the warring penguins of Antarctica, and Bush will reply, “If it’s warm there and there’s beer, I’m on it.”

• Convicted felons former Senator Ted Stevens and former Illinois governor Rod Balgojevich will share a federal prison cell and fall in love. Blagojevich’s hair will grow jealous of the attention Stevens is receiving and strangle him in his sleep.

• In another prison, O.J. Simpson will be literally caught red-handed after stabbing a fellow inmate to death. Simpson will plead innocent, saying that the man fell on Simpson’s “shiv” 23 times, and that “I never meant to hurt anyone with this homemade knife that I carry just to whittle toys out of soap bars for my poor orphaned kids.”

• In June, President Obama will resign from office after accomplishing little of what he promised on the campaign trail. In his resignation speech he’ll say, “This job is a lot tougher than Bush made it look.” Joe Biden, immediately after being sworn in as President, will say, “See? I told you this guy would be tested. But I didn’t say he’d pass the test, did I? Now, how about if we nuke the Taliban, because I have no clue what to do about the economy.”

• Bristol Palin, immediately knocked up again after giving birth to her son Twit, will give birth on December 25 to another baby boy with a birthmark on his forehead shaped like the numbers “666,” and will name him Jackal. Proud grandma Sarah Palin and proclaim the baby a miracle, and thus shall the Apocalypse begin.

Let’s check back next December 31 to see how many of my predictions came true—if we’re still around. In the meantime, Happy New Year!

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