News Flash! Gadhafi Declares Victory

President Perry?

Two weeks after tossing his Stetson into the presidential race, Texas Governor Rick Perry is raking in boatloads of cash to fund his fledgling campaign. Perry, who is basically Sarah Palin with testicles and a somewhat better command of English, is expected to be a formidable opponent and a favorite among the far right.

Personally, I’m glad Perry is in the race. I was afraid the next 10 months or so would be a snoozefest as Mittens Romney and Tim Pawlenty, the two candidates most favored by the mainstream Republican establishment, boringly wrestled like polite schoolgirls over the nomination. But Pawlenty dropped out quickly after doing poorly in the Iowa straw poll a few weeks ago, which he attributed to people mistaking his name for that of Puxatawny Phil, the infamous weather-forecasting groundhog.

With Michele Bachmann already in the race, things could get very entertaining. All we need now to make the circus complete is for the Queen of Kooks herself, Sarah Palin, to enter the fray.  Palin allegedly will make a decision on whether to run by the end of September or when the archangel Gabriel blows his horn, whichever comes first. I look forward to that.

I never used to believe in the Apocalypse, but I’m starting to now. Those who believe that the end of the Mayan calendar—specifically Dec. 21, 2012—will bring a major existential shift or possibly an end to life as we know it may be onto something. I never thought I’d see a day when a handful of people from the lunatic fringe would be taken seriously as candidates. Rick Perry and his cohorts make George W. Bush look like as wise and rational as Socrates, and that should scare your pants off.

Most Americans don’t know much about Rick Perry, aside from the fact that looks like an aging Marlboro Man and talks the way they think a Texan should—that is, loudly and stupidly.

In the coming months, the country will learn about the horrific economic and social policies Perry has inflicted on Texas, which no doubt will be lauded by the radical right. In the meantime, I’ve put together a list of little-known highlights from the governor’s life and career:

1956 - Shoots his first coyote while riding his tricycle, which becomes something of a hobby for him (shooting coyotes, that is).

1962 - Becomes an Eagle Scout, which he believes requires him to kill and eat an eagle. He does so, earning several demerits for killing an endangered species.

1968 – Enrolls at Texas A&M, where he becomes a cheerleader, which is euphemistically known at the homophobic institution as a “yell leader.”

1970 – Joins the Corps of Cadets at A&M, because the uniforms are more butch than the cheerleading outfits.

1972 – Joins the Air Force and becomes a pilot, still trying to live down his cheerleader days.

1984 – Is elected to the Texas House of Representatives, not realizing he ran as a Democrat.

1989 – After serving as Al Gore’s presidential campaign chair in Texas, Perry finally reads the Democratic policy platform and realizes that he is Republican, and therefore switches parties.

2000 - Buys his first can of Aqua Net hair spray to hold his graying coif in place.

2008 – Makes his own cowboy boots from the hide of an executed prisoner, saying “Whar I come frum, we don’t let nuthin’ go to waste.”

2011 – Announces his intention to become the “yell leader” of the United States. Shoots a coyote to celebrate.

So the game is afoot. Will Yell Leader Rick be able to shout down Moon-Eyed Michele? Will English-Mangler Sarah rush in and steal the show? Will Mitt Romney’s handlers ever find his “on” switch? Will I jump into the race and try to save America?

Stay tuned.